


close your eyes, it'll be alright

by heartbreakmichael



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Michael is cute, Soulmate AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, all calum cares about is making his best friend happy, ashton has good intentions but is a little clueless, luke is sad and suicidal, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:51:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2482025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartbreakmichael/pseuds/heartbreakmichael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke pauses, the gun pressed underneath his chin. And he wants to cry, but he's got nothing left.</p><p>He's going to do it, but then he remembers the green-eyed boy he dreams of - his soulmate.</p><p>The one who will die if he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	close your eyes, it'll be alright

It starts with a dream. 

_Luke is sitting with his back to the window. The glass is cracked, and he is at risk of falling through if he leans on it too hard; he knows this._

_He doesn't move._

_He presses his back against it harder, until the glass is pressing into his back - the shards not quite breaking skin yet._

_Then, he's falling down into the unknown. And it's so dark he can't see a thing._

_Except the eyes._

_They're a startling green - the color of springtime. Luke's breath is escaping his mouth in small puffs that aren't allowing him enough oxygen, but he's breathing in this kid, this boy in front of him whose body and face he cannot see._

_The boy blinks once, and then-_

Luke has rolled off his bed and hit both the ground and consciousness much harder than he would've liked to. He lies there moaning for a few seconds, not finding the motivation to get up and start another day. _  
_

Then, he hears big footsteps coming up the stairs and wants to throw up at the boy standing in his doorway - his best friend, Calum. Who is currently holding a bucket of ice water.

This is a daily occurrence. Ever since Luke got out of the hospital and moved into Calum's apartment (on account of the fact that his parents really didn't want to deal with him anymore), the other boy has been pushing him to live life, no matter how much Luke hates it. Luke appreciates it, but he really just wants to be left alone, to sit at home all day and stare blankly at the wall, hoping that maybe if he stares until his eyes go out of focus then his life will go out of focus too - that things will be so blurry that they seem okay.

That doesn't ever happen.

Instead, he's pushed through the same bleary routine. Calum pulls him out of bed or dumps freezing water on him, then force-feeds him breakfast. Next, if it's a Tuesday or Thursday, he brings him to therapy and sits in the waiting room so there's no chance of escape. If it's any other day, they go on some outing because Luke "needs fresh air." Calum force-feeds him lunch. Watches their favorite movies with him. Force-feeds him dinner. Lectures him on happiness and how he  _has to try_ _._ Holds him until he stops crying and falls asleep. Repeat. 

It's tiring and annoying, but Luke can't bring himself to be resentful because at least Calum cares. 

Which sucks because Luke knows he's going to hurt the most if - when - Luke does it. 

"Get up, princess," Calum sings, pouring the bucket over Luke's head. He hopes for a reaction, anger even, but it doesn't come. Luke just stands from his place on the floor and retreats to the bathroom to sit shivering on the tile floor for however long it takes until Calum makes him eat. 

He's in there for about ten minutes before Calum's banging on the door. 

"Come on. You can't spend all day locked up in there. You have therapy, and I made food." Calum sighs, leaning against the door. 

Luke doesn't say anything, just turns on the shower to indicate that he's not coming out any time soon. 

He sits in the bathtub part of the shower for almost an hour - time that Calum had allotted - and lets the scalding water run over his body until his skin has turned red. He wraps himself up in a fluffy towel and looks at himself in the mirror. 

"You are so fucking worthless. No one would care if you left. Calum would get over it," he says angrily, gripping the edge of the sink with pale hands. 

"Luke," Calum whispers through the door. He heard; he always hears.

"Why do you sit outside the door like that? It's creepy and weird," Luke seethes, pushing him aside roughly and shutting himself in his bedroom. 

He pulls on a big sweater and some jeans, along with some vans. He breathes deeply, opening the door and going into the kitchen. 

Calum quietly sets a plate of bacon and waffles in front of him, none of which Luke will eat. Not today. It's a bad day, even Calum could see that from the moment he woke up.

"Did you have the dream yet?" Calum asks hesitantly, knowing its a sore subject. 

Everyone has a dream with their soulmate in it from the time they're 14-18. It only happens once, if at all, and Calum had been worried that his friend, who was about to turn 19, wouldn't have it at all. Luke needed a soulmate, needed someone to help him get back on track and start living again, at least that's how Calum saw it. 

"Yeah. Nothing special. Didn't even see their face," Luke mutters bitterly. 

This isn't strange. Most people only see their soulmate's eyes, but Luke had hoped he'd be one of the lucky ones. A pair of ordinary-looking eyes don't exactly give a person a ton of hope. 

Like, anyone could have eyes that color. Luke could meet twenty people with the eyes and never know which one was his soulmate. Not until they touched. 

But maybe it's better this way because if he never knows his soulmate he won't feel bad for essentially killing them.

"I'm sorry, bud," Calum says sympathetically. He  _was_ one of the lucky ones. He'd dreamed of Ashton's face, like, two days before they met, which totally isn't fair at all. This was two years ago, and as Luke lives with them, it's an ever-present reminder that Calum has other people besides Luke - people to replace him once he's gone. 

Now, Ashton's coming into the kitchen, dressed in minimal clothing and a cheesy smile. It's honestly both cute and disgusting how in love they are. 

Which seems like a given because they're soulmates, but what no one tells you is that just because you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with someone doesn't mean you're going to love them. 

"Hey, babe," Ashton says with a giggle, kissing Calum's lips lightly and giving Luke a pat on the back on his way to the coffee machine. "Morning, Luke. How are you this morning?"

"Shitty," Luke says blankly, pushing past Ashton and bringing his plate to the trashcan, scraping all the uneaten food into it and heading out to wait in the car. 

Calum sighs, but he won't say anything. He's learned to keep his mouth shut when it comes to Luke because, really, he's just fragile. That's why he lashes out at everyone all the time. He's afraid they'll push him away, and he wants to be the one to end it if it's going to happen regardless.

 "I hope everything goes okay," Ashton breathes, giving Calum a hug and a knowing look as the boy goes out the door.

The car ride is almost unbearable.

Like, the whole time, they're just sitting there in this silence that sort of feels like a mixture between suffocation and frostbite. And Luke's got this brooding look on his face that makes Calum want to cry because when did his best friend get this way? When did this person who he cares about so, so much become so disconnected from himself?

Because it's like Luke's body is ten miles away from his heart. And it's like he's breathing but the air is tainted; he is tainted. It's like the world is falling apart and he was the one who was told to keep it intact. But he couldn't. He couldn't take the pressure and the pain and the trepidation. So he cracked and so did this glass globe he was in charge of, and now he has to pay.

Luke wonders what he did that was so bad that God decided he would feel this way.

They arrive at the therapist's office. It's a small building that probably used to be a house. The outside is cheery, painted to a tee in a warm shade of pale yellow, but the inside is cold and hospital- like.

Luke hates it.

Calum unlocks the doors, gets out of the car and waits patiently to see if Luke's going to lock himself in like he does on days like this.

But Luke has given up fighting Calum, has decided that he shouldn't be treating Calum so badly when he's going to be gone soon. Somewhere between not eating breakfast and getting to the office, he's decided not to be an asshole in the little time he has left.

He steps out of the car, taking small steps up to the door and swinging it open with a knot in his stomach. He wants to puke right now; that's how bad this whole thing is.

The receptionist gives him a sneer and makes a rude comment about how they're actually on time for once. Calum gives her a tight smile and asks if Dr. Green is ready for Luke yet.

The woman nods with an eye roll, pointing Luke in the direction of Dr. Green's office.

Luke goes inside and sits silently for an hour, staring blankly at Dr. Green as the man asked him the usual numerous questions that Luke never has any intention of answering.

"Have you been thinking about killing yourself lately?" Green asks as Luke is standing up and getting ready to leave. Luke gives him a huge smile and slams the door shut on his way out.

"How'd it go?" Calum asks once Luke's back in the waiting room.

Luke shrugs, walking ahead of Calum to the car and climbing in.

"I love you, you know that, right?" Calum says. He's got this worried look on his face, and Luke hates it, hates that the other boy cares about him. It makes everything so much harder. "

Yeah, you too," Luke mumbles, sinking down into his seat. He blows a piece of hair out of his face, crossing his arms over his chest.

"One day, things are going to get better for you, Luke. One day, you're going to wake up and everything's going to be different. And you'll be happy. I promise."

"I doubt it," Luke mutters, rubbing his eyes and trying not to cry at the dreary future he believes is in store for him.  

Calum sighs and doesn't press it any further. He knows his best friend won't listen anyway because Luke's already gotten it in his mind that life is over for him, even though Calum knows it isn't.

- 

When they get home, Ashton is sitting on the couch, talking on the phone. He's got an annoyed look on his face, and the two boys don't want to disturb him, but they end up doing so anyway with their loud entrance inside the apartment.

Ashton rolls his eyes, hanging up the phone with a short, "Gotta go." As soon as he's slid his phone back in his pocket and looked at Calum, his disposition shifts from irritated to cheery. It almost makes Luke smile.

"Hey, babe," Ashton says, beaming. "How was it, Luke?" 

Luke just stares at him in disbelief, wondering why this guy who came in and  _stole_ his best friend (which is both good and bad) is always trying to be nice to him. _  
_

Luke hates it when people are nice to him; it makes him feel guilty.

And he can't explain it because he hates feeling unloved and lonely, but being loved makes him feel like a burden and makes him regret this firm decision he told himself he wouldn't back out of again.

He's sick of feeling like a coward and a fuck-up and everything else he thinks he is. He can't do it anymore, it's just not fair. So he sets this tentative plan that he's been thinking of and revising ever since he moved into Calum's place into action. 

"It was fine," Calum answers for him, watching Luke with a worried expression. He doesn't like it when Luke zones out like that, when he gets so lost inside his head that everything becomes white noise. "Who were you on the phone with?"

Ashton grimaces. "The new guy at work. He keeps letting people in to visit when he knows the place is strict about not letting anyone who isn't a patient or staff member inside. And I'm the one who has to deal with it." 

Luke snaps out of his thoughts and focuses on what Ashton's saying because Ashton's job really is, in Luke's opinion, the most interesting thing about him. Luke's fascination with it may have something to do with the fact that Ashton works at the hospital Luke was sent to after he'd tried to commit suicide last November, may have something to do with the fact that someone who realizes that what depressed people need is the people who don't make them as depressed is a rare thing in a place like that - a place where all they care about is keeping you in four white walls until you're magically cured. 

He speaks up, "But, even if it's against the rules, he's helping people."

Ashton gives Luke a pitied look, the same one everyone besides Calum seems to give him these days. "Luke, visitors just make it worse."

This makes him angry. Who is Ashton to tell  _him_  what makes it worse when Ashton has never felt the weight of pills in his palm on a Tuesday night when it feels like the world has stopped spinning and his head has inherited its orbit? When he's never known how it feels to see your mother crying over your bed one minute, not knowing what happened and why you're hooked up to machines, and then the next minute, after the doctor has told her, to see her give you a look of horror, of 'what will the neighbors think?'? He has no right. "How would you know?" Luke asks faintly, trying to keep his tone neutral and not accusing like his grade school teachers always taught him to. 

"Because I'm a trained professional," Ashton counters, and Luke wants to tell Calum to defend him, but he knows his best friend will choose Ashton over him because, honestly, Luke wonders who wouldn't. 

"Congrats," Luke mutters, losing his cool and shooting Ashton a quick glare. He starts out of the room before spinning around to face the other boy. "You know, tell this guy that I think he's a fucking genius." 

He leaves then, feeling something in his gut that feels sort of like a mix between anger and... hope. 

-

It happens the next week. 

Luke's at the apartment alone, due to a misunderstanding between Ashton and Calum on what times they'd be home. This never happens; everyone's so afraid to leave him alone, and they have good reason. 

It starts out fine. He forces down a sandwich for lunch and stares at the t.v. for an hour until his eyes water. 

Then, the house phone rings and it goes to voicemail and the sound of Luke's worst nightmare's voice is drifting towards him and he doesn't remember falling but suddenly he's curled up on the floor, covering his ears and wanting it to go away. 

They were the one who started this, made Luke the way he is. Because they would remind him every day that he was all the things he believed he was, and they would do everything they could to make him believe he was all the bad things he didn't think he was. And they told him that he didn't deserve them or anything because he was nothing. 

And now they are calling him, begging him to just hear them out. They didn't mean it. They're swearing that they'll never do it again, but Luke knows better to believe this person who has stepped on him over and over and over again. 

At least he thinks he does. 

And he doesn't remember the moment he felt the absence of the cold hardwood floor on his skin but suddenly he's digging through his closet to find the slim black gun he bought when he figured out firsthand that pills have a 75% failure rate, and all he can remember is how small he felt under their cool gaze when they spat his insecurities back at him. 

He's sobbing now, and he knows the neighbors can probably hear, but he can't bring himself to care. That hope he felt last week, it's gone now, and a deep sadness is all that is left. 

He thinks of Calum, briefly. Thinks of him and Ashton under covers years from now. Thinks of his name coming up in their bleary-eyed conversation. Thinks of how he'll just be another distant tragedy, one that so long ago that in just a few years it seems like it happened before you were even born. 

He snaps the cartridge into the gun, his hands pale and cold and shaking but he can't remember all the things he wanted to leave behind so he decides not to write a note. It's easier for them to forget this way. 

Luke pauses, the gun pressed underneath his chin. And he wants to cry, but he's got nothing left.

He's going to do it, but then he remembers the green-eyed boy he dreams of - his soulmate.

The one who will die if he does.

And he can't do it. Can't murder someone. Maybe he could have a year ago, before he had the dream but he can't now. 

He lowers his hand, removes the cartridge, places the gun back in his closet. He deletes the voicemail, washes his face, goes back to sit on the couch numbly until someone comes home.

This time when Ashton asks how his day was he smiles weakly and says fantastic because he's already a liar and he's got nothing to lose.

-

It's a snow day and Calum has decided that it's the perfect day to visit Ashton at work and bring Luke along with him.

Because, you know, it's not like it's freezing outside or anything.

Luke's wearing at least ten layers of clothing and has a grumpy look on his face to match. He's honestly never wanted to strangle Calum as much as he does right now.

They arrive at the hospital and, even though Luke wants to pitch a fit, he swallows all the bad memories from this place and heads inside.

Calum knows that Luke won't want to come with him because Ashton's office is back past the lobby, where all the dorms and remnants of Luke's stay are, so he gives him explicit instructions to stay in the lobby and read a magazine whilst he's off being gross with his boyfriend.

So Luke settles into an uncomfortable plastic chair and contents himself with reading some teen gossip magazine.

He's scanning over a particularly interesting paragraph about sexting when a voice interrupts him.

"Can I help you with anything?"

Luke doesn't look up as he replies with a weak, "No, thank you," because he hates talking to people he doesn't know almost as much as he hates it when people are nice to him. He convinces himself that this article is the most life-changing thing he has ever stumbled upon as the boy sits next to him.Luke prays that he goes away.

"Are you sure?" the boy asks softly. Luke can feel this guy watching him, can feel him trying to gauge Luke's story from the way he holds himself to the crescent-moon shaped scars on his hands from when he dug his fingernails into them to keep himself from speaking because it was a stupid thing to say. And Luke doesn't like it. He doesn't like the way this boy makes him feel entirely too visible.

Luke snaps. "What do you want?"

And he feels bad immediately after saying this because the guy wasn't doing anything but his job. He looks up then because he feels that he should apologize and you're supposed to look people in the eye when you apologize to them.

He blinks as he's faced with eyes the color of springtime.

-

It's three years later, and Calum's promise came true.

There's not a cure for depression, it just doesn't disappear one day and you're magically fine again, but Luke can happily say that his good days outnumber his bad ones.

And it's all because of the receptionist who let visitors back when they weren't supposed to be allowed to, the boy in his dream. It's all because of Michael.

Because Michael gave him a reason to want to get better. Michael gave him hope that you don't just have a shitty life then die.

Michael made him feel like he wasn't glass; he made Luke feel like he was invincible and beautiful.

And now they're lying in the grass im the backyard of the small house they share in the most suburban part of their city. Their legs are tangled together and their cheeks are pressed close. And Michael is singing some song that Luke is trying his hardest to remember the title of but can't. Michael is laughing because he messed up the words and Luke can't think anything but iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.

So he says it.

And Luke has never been happier that he is alive than he is right now. 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this was unedited and a lil messy but I hope you liked it


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